Reflection of Year Forty-Two

Turning 40 wasn't a big deal for me. I had a harder time turning 30 than I did 40. There had been enough stress through 39, that I didn't really care, what was one more year? Forty continued right where 39 finished. A stressful January and February,  barely surviving March and April, May was unbelievably trying, and then; then there was June. June ripped the last piece of my identity away and slapped on a new label - widow. The first six months of forty broke me. The last six months were a blur.

Year 41, was full of apprehension. Pushing boundaries. Figuring out what life and happiness meant to me. Questioning everything that was wrong, questioning everything that was right, but trusting that it all had a purpose. Learning from mistakes, relationships, from everything I could.

And then came year 42. I don't make 'resolutions' but I had a few goals for this one. As 2018 comes to a close and my birthday draws near, it's natural, for me at least, to reflect on the past year.

Forty-two, you've been amazing.

Even if I still don't know the question.

I have long expressed my love of music, especially live music. My main goal for this year was too attend a live music event every month this year. A goal that was easily accomplished, and in some months, I was an over achiever. I took in music that I loved, music that I didn't know very well. Local bands, cover bands and mainstream musicians new and old. Rock, pop, rap, alternative, country, jazz, and instrumental. Shows in 5 different states, new venues, outside on a street, at a bar, amphitheaters, and indoor arenas. I went alone, with family, friends, and people that I barely knew. Free shows and pricey ones. Two scheduled meet and greets and photo ops with 3 other artists.  I've spent more money than I'd care to count on tickets, downloads, and merch. And I don't care. My heart is full, incredible memories made, my ears are happy, I'm supporting artists, and the kids are fully appreciating music. The #2018yearofmusic has been amazing.

January:	Walk the Moon
February:	X Ambassadors
March:	Nappy Roots, Betty Who
April:	AJR, MAX
May:	Raised on Analog
June:	Wayne Newton; The Neighbourhood; Joywave, Misterwives, Walk the Moon, 30 Seconds to Mars
July:	Judd Hoos; B-52s; Culture Club; Kelly Bell Band; Panic! at the Disco; Keysha and Macklamore
August:	Galactic; Preservation Hall Jazz Band; Trombone Shorty
September:	Elton John; Morris Day and the Time
October:	Jimmie Allen; Twenty-one Pilots
November:	Soul Expressions
December:	Lindsey Stirling
And countless other local bands over the year!

This year started with a weekend long birthday celebration. Concert Friday, Drag Show and bar hopping with girlfriends Saturday, and roller skating with friends and the kids on Sunday. I started - and finished a graduate certificate program, taking 2 classes in each of three semesters this year.

I took a long weekend mom-cation in Las Vegas, by myself. I walked the strip, attended a gospel brunch, saw Wayne Newton, countless musicians, ziplined Freemont Street, and soaked up lots of sun.

The kids and I took an eleven day vacation out west, where we visited 11 national parks and five states. We toured a prison, visited with family, hiked in the Tetons and Yellowstone, we watched fireworks, attended a concert, took a river float, a horseback ride, toured a cave, learned some history, and left part of Ghon in South Dakota.


We were able to not only attend two weddings this year, but I was able to officiate a dear friend's union.

We spent a weekend away with friends in Natural Bridge, VA this fall. It was a much needed weekend escape. We applied for and received our passports for future adventures.

I continued going to the gym, and started running again. I completed several 5Ks this fall, rejoining a friend for one and even getting the kids involved in a couple.

So many memories made this year. Concerts, trips, outings with family, friends and co-workers. Multiple items checked off my bucket list. I continue to receive monthly massages, get "chair therapy" every six weeks (that would be color and girl talk with my amazing stylist), started a new holistic therapy, and in the ultimate self care - hired a cleaning service for my house. It's been an amazing year. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had and people I've met, especially conversations with strangers on my trips, and the new friends I've made. It's been a year to live my life; to make it my best life.

This hasn't been a good year for everyone I know, and sometimes I feel bad knowing how good my year has been when they are struggling. Death, illness, heartaches, they don't stop happening. Throughout this year, I've tried to help and support my friends and acquaintances the best I can. To be a ray of light but not a blinding inconsiderate jerk. I try to practice what I preach - that feelings happen, it's how we respond that matters. I have bad days, sometimes they last 2-3 days. But I am grateful for what I have and give thanks for it, and somehow, the universe works things out.

I've continued to force myself to experience new things. Like the time I went to the movies and then a bar in town by myself - and cried during half the movie and tried talking myself out of going to the bar to listen to music. But I did it. Taking those new first steps - the big plunge - is hard. But they prepare me for future steps. Like a few months later, also heading to a bar, alone, still positively freaked out, but not crying or trying to talk myself out of doing it. And I did it again. OK, maybe not entirely alone, as I knew I'd be seeing at least one person I knew each time, but still. These are things I would not have done at 40 or 41. Growth is amazing, and so are friends.

Forty-two has also been a year with less focus on loss and more on growth and opportunity.  I don't have a problem removing negativity from my life. I try to surround myself with positivity and those that support me. I look for the value in new relationships and opportunities, and less as a way to fill an indescribable void. I joke that I'm an amazing mom because I take my kids to breweries to hang out with friends and bars to see concerts and friends. But these things - they bring value to my life. I can spend time with my kids and friends. I can enjoy music with my kids and support friends and local businesses. Doing these things, out of the box, not normally in my character things, has provided new friendships that right now, I cherish. And while perhaps still not totally my character, it has a place in my life. I'm living my best life now, not what was my best life or what may be my best life. Doing things a little differently is what makes me, me.

Forty-two has been a time to give.  To give my time, love, and support to others. To give myself a break. To give more focus on the kids. A time to give back to the universe when I've been given so much. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling fuller, as are my jeans. Not quite complete, but fuller. My heart is happier and hurts a whole lot less.


2019; year 43... I'm coming for you. I'm working on new goals. I'm choosing where best to help and serve others. Time is a limited resource, and I want to invest wisely. There will be more music. More running. More time with friends, more time with loved ones, more adventure. More checks on the bucket list and more things to take their place.


Forty-three take notice - I will not settle for anything less than I want and deserve. Now, to continue to refine what that looks like.


Come. Be part of the adventure with me. Raise me up, and I will raise you higher. That is a promise.