The onslaught of emotions this morning has left me tired, scattered and oddly focused. Oddly because it's where it needs to be but in the middle of the work day, it's not where it's "supposed" to be, yet it is because the focus is important.
Join a call late, rush out after, dash to my child's school to participate in a rescue mission that's becoming too frequent. Anxiety doesn't care about work hours, it cares about school bells and crowded hallways. But I care about the kid frozen in anxiety fueled fear, thankful that the right people are supportive and understanding when I need it most.
Return and check the emails to see what was missed, start another attempt at finding counseling for my child. Snack my way through a lunch of 5 different emotions.
The sun is shining and it's what fuels me. Thankful that even if the days have been short, the winter has been mild and spring is coming. I take my last snack outside rather than my desk and sit in the sun, no socks, no bra. And that's important because I always wear one and today, I didn't; and ran to school without it. Anxiety doesn't care about breast support.
But the sun. I sit here, close my eyes and feel the breeze. I try to tune out the thoughts along with the sounds of barking dogs and construction, and focus on the birds and the warmth of the sun on my eyelids while the breeze makes my toes cold. I pray that my child learns how to ground themselves like this to help slow the swirl of emotion.
I take the picture because I want to share not just the shirt with its creator and musicians it supports (because that's what I do), but because sharing that moment, is important. It's real, it's raw, it's the balance to all the good in my life. And sharing both, the good, the not so good, finding a way to better is real, and it's also what I do. I also love the sun, so a picture in a rough moment can also remind me of joy later.
Writing about it, is what I do. Tears streamed down my face, knowing that I do need to share this because someone needs to know that happy people struggle too, even when their life seems mostly together.
Tears because I've been holding them in, worrying about and caring for my kid(s) and needed to allow myself to feel.
In this short time, the sun has shifted. I have no clue if I've missed a meeting, but I think I have. It feels colder and the breeze has dried the tears. I shiver.
It's time to go back inside and face whatever comes next. But I'm grabbing another snack on the way. I'll tackle emotional eating tomorrow.
